10 Things Guys will Never Understand about Ladies

The other day my boyfriend looked at me and said, “I don’t understand why girls need so many shoes.” I just stared at him in disbelief that he couldn’t understand something that was so inherently female. But this was right after he bought me the most gorgeous pair of Cole Haan’s, so I let it slide.

I couldn’t blame him really. Being a lady is something so awesome, it’s beyond comprehension. I thought back to how many times over the past couple of months Boyfriend said something along the lines of, “why are girls…” or “how come girls are so obsessed with…” and it’s made me realize how many things there are about ladies that guys will never understand. Here are just a couple of them:

1. Needing a giant closet

This one has a simple answer. To store all of our 40 dresses, 30 shirts, and cute work clothes (yes, not all of our dresses are considered work clothes). Oh, and just because we are smaller than you and own tank tops that are smaller than your dress shirts, we do not need a smaller closet. It doesn’t work like that.

Closet not drawn to scale.

Closet not drawn to scale.

2. Using conditioner

No, we cannot use your 2-in-one-shampoo-and-conditioner because the conditioner aspect is non existent for us. Call it physics, call it chemistry, whatever you want to call it, we can’t use it the way you do. And you know it’s true too because when you use all of our conditioner up we end up looking like this:

ugh.

ugh.

3. Taking a long time to get ready

While you all you have to do is put on a nice shirt and jeans and throw some gel in your hair, we have to pick an outfit (which takes twice as long as it takes you to get ready alone), do our hair, then our make up, and then do it all over again when it’s not perfect. At the end of the day, don’t complain about it because we’re trying to look perfect for you.

4. Why the flowers you give us die

Who pulled them out of the ground to give them to us in the first place? You killed them, not us.

Ok. No problem.

Ok. No problem.

5. Why we love cuddling

We like to be held and loved. It feels amazing and it feels even more amazing when we do it with you.

6. Shopping.

Owning a million pairs of shoes and dresses, donating them and getting more is one of the best parts of being a lady. We know you’re jealous.

Another reason why we need a giant closet.

Another reason why we need a giant closet.

7. Spending endless hours on Pinterest

IT’S LIKE AN IMAGINARY WORLD WHERE YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE, WEAR ANY PIECE OF CLOTHING, EXERCISE WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING, EAT ONLY HEALTHY FOOD, AND LAUGH AT EVERY RIDICULOUS THING. And no, you cannot have one. Girls only.

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8. Our obsession with babies, puppies, kittens.

Because they’re adorable. And by the way, we think you’re insane when you don’t agree.

9. Getting fit and skinny

We have to get bikini ready, fit into tight dresses, and look Barbie perfect. There’s a social pressure for us to be as beautiful as possible that guys do not have. This involves Special K diets, no carb diets, working out on the stationary bike (or the excer-cycle as Boyfriend likes to call it), eating clean, and any other crazy food fad diet you can imagine. You guys either have super high metabolisms and can eat 3 Baconators without thinking twice, or get a beer belly and no one would think anything of it. Sometimes we get jealous of you… then realize how much cuter our clothes are then yours and we get over it.

10. Getting married, the wedding dress, the ring, having babies.

We have a biological clock and are on a time crunch here! Get a move on it and if you like it put a ring on it! And as for the ring,the wedding dress, and the wedding, we’ve been thinking about all of those things since we were seven years old and dressing ourselves up in our mom’s white table cloth. It better be perfect!

Dum dum da dum... dum dum da dum...

Dum dum da dum… dum dum da dum…

Bottom line:

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xoxo
Avi

 

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5 Reasons Why I have Considered Deleting Facebook (but can’t)

The original concept of Facebook was awesome: being able to connect with your college friends and then staying in touch as the years went on.

The operative word here being “original.” I am sorry to say that I was part of that generation that ruined Facebook. Once my generation came along, high schoolers realized there was another avenue of social media to let every stranger in the world know where they are, what they’re doing, and give them another opportunity to creep on them. I, having an older sister and knowing what Facebook was intended for, did not have one until I graduated high school and got into college. So I suppose I’ve always had somewhat of a distate for Facebook: and for as long as I’ve had one it’s only evolved into something I don’t want to use even more.

I’m not sure when games, obnoxious advertisements, and sharing to the 5th degree was ever intended to be integrated into social media. It was tolerable before, but with every new evolution of Facebook, it becomes increasingly intolerable. We’ve gone from the “poke” to Farmville to the point where I have seriously considered deleting it altogether.

I know what you’re thinking; why don’t you just delete your Facebook then and quit whining about it? Trust me, as much as I want to, it’s an addiction. It’s like knowing how terrible cigarettes are for you and not being able to quit. Facebook is my drug and social-media-cancer is my imminent death.

In the mean time, I’m going to whine about it. Here are 5 reasons why I have considered deleting my Facebook:

1. Procrastination
It’s our go-to method of avoiding homework, work, or doing anything productive in life. Even though you’ve convinced yourself that you won’t log on during exam week or you’ve deleted the app from your cell phone a thousands times, you somehow find yourself at the corner of “man I want to tell the world how much I love this song” and “but I really need to finish this project.” Who wins in the end? We all know the answer to that one.

2. It puts you in a bad mood

Or maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s all women. So many us fall victim to “virtual envy” and Facebook is our first avenue. How many times has this happened to you/your friend/your sister: You’ve been dating a guy for 6 years and have been waiting for him to propose for 5 and everytime another one of your friends gets engaged, you defriend them/block them from your newsfeed/immediately close out the notification. But it keeps popping up in your news feed because your friend’s-mother’s-sister also happens to be friends with her and she liked her status, “happily engaged! Can’t wait for the big day!” and there you are, at the bottom of a carton of Ben and Jerry’s.

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating. But only a little.

3. Judgement Central

When was the last time you stopped yourself from posting a picture because you didn’t want your Facebook “friends” to judge you and your life decisions? It’s because we’re friends with 1,000 people and only really know about 20 of them. I’d say don’t worry about that long lost relative or that old college roommate who didn’t know how to keep her music down, but then I’d be a hypocrite.

4. DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA!

Whether it’s “I cannot believe she defriended me” or your mother calling you at endless hours of the night because your dad’s sister’s husband’s sister in India whom you’ve never met in your life somehow came across a picture of your new boyfriend and *gasp!* he’s not Indian! And privacy settings? Who is Facebook trying to kid. If I had a dollar for someone who wasn’t supposed to see my Facebook that did I’d be rich enough to buy Facebook.

5. I don’t need to know about some giraffe somewhere being killed and fed to the lions.

Or accidentally coming across a video of baby chicks being shredded into McDonalds chicken nuggets. Facebook is everyone’s hub to mandatorily make people read what they have to say or watch the videos they post as their friends scroll through their newsfeed.  And who’s brilliant idea was it to automatically play videos? “That way, as people scroll across them when they’re in a doctors office and they accidentally leave their volume on, everyone will stare at them as an obnoxious blonde chick is screaming out of their phone or a monkey is humping it’s girlfriend! It’s brilliant!” And don’t even get me started on Bit Strips.

Oh yeah- and defriending those friends that post stupid stuff like this doesn’t work either. Because as long as someone you know liked a post, you can see things from people you don’t even know (half the time I swear I don’t even know the liker). And honestly, I don’t need to see what your mother’s-sister’s-friend’s-plumber posted, liked, or shared on Facebook because usually something depressing, offensive, or stupid. Once in a while I’ll come across something pretty awesome! But then the next thing will be back to ridiculousness and it’s not even worth it.

Maybe a total deletion of Facebook is pretty harsh. Maybe I’ll just have 10 Facebook friends and a waiting list and the minute one of them does something stupid, they’re out and the next one is in.

Beware my friends.

Much luv,
Avi

Daily Prompt: What Nerds Find Funny

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Daily Prompt: Ha Ha Ha
Tell us a joke! Knock-knock joke, long story with a unexpected punchline, great zinger — all jokes are welcome!

Having graduated with Biomathematics and Math Education majors, I have learned a ton of math and science jokes and bad pick up lines along the way (you have to keep the kids interested somehow! Although many of these are not child appropriate, ironically I learned a large number from professors and kids throughout the years). Most of the time when I tell them I have to explain them so if you’re not a total dork like me, don’t worry! I’ve explained them here too:

So, here’s a compilation of some nerdy jokes I know. Enjoy!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much. The bartender says, “for you, no charge!”
Explanation: a Neutron is a neutral atom as opposed to protons and electrons which are positively and negatively charged respectively.

Can I be your first derivative so I can lay tangent to your curves?
Explanation: the first derivative of an equation is the equation to find the line tangent to a curve. For example,
y= x^2 +3
y’= 2x <– this line is tangent to y (touches y at only one point)

Can I be your third derivative so I can explore your concavity?
Explanation: third derivatives find out where and if the curve is concave up (like a cup) or concave down (like an upside down U)

You must be the square root of -1 because you can’t be real.
Explanation: the square root of -1 is 1i, an imaginary number.

If I were sin2x and you were cos2x , together we’d be ONE!
Explanation: sin2x+cos2x=1

Why is 1 the sluttiest number? It goes into everything
Explanation: 1/1=1, 2/1=2, 3/1=3

I love this daily prompt! Here are some other jokes other daily prompt-ers are posting:

Carpe nerDiem! Happy Friday!
-Avi

Carpe nerDiem!

I joke, I kid, and I make fun of myself, but here’s the real deal: I absolutely love being a nerd.

I get to read books, do math problems, and watch science YouTube videos while sitting in my bedroom which is decorate in tons of Superman memorabilia. I’m the girl that sits in the front of the class (partly because I’m short, partly because I’m a teacher’s pet), asks a ton of questions, and raises my hand to answer everything. You’d probably sit next to me in class if you want extra help or to cheat off my test.

But guess what, I get away with it because I’m a nerd. It’s like, my life excuse for doing whatever I want to do.

Think about it: think back to high school and the queen blonde bee who had it made. If you can’t think of someone, or perhaps that was you in high school (in which case, go away… j/k), think Regina George.

Exhibit A: Queen Blonde Bee Regina George

This girl could do no wrong. She walked around with holes cut out around her boobs and made it a fashion statement. Regina George is no nerd.

But, if she started watching science videos and invited you over for a Star Wars movie marathon, what would you do? The world would be flipped turned upside down.

Can Regina George be captain of the Debate team? A member of the Chess club? LARP on the campus lawn? Be the seeker for the campus Quidditch team?

Or worse… date someone who is?

Exhibit A does not belong in the nerd world and would never fit in.

Regina George is restricted by her social status. You see, when you’re a nerd, there are no restrictions on life. That’s probably why the “popular kids” make fun of the nerds; they’re just jealous they could never walk around in a Superman cape or with their Elder Wand.

Exhibit B: Nerd Avi

Exhibit B: Nerd Avi

I, on the other hand, could have a Star Trek movie marathon (not that I would. Star Wars is much better) AND walk around with holes cut out around my boobs and it would still be ok. I might get made fun of but let’s be honest, I’m going to be made fun of regardless. I stopped caring about that a long time ago.

Which is really what it boils down to, isn’t it? Being able to do what you want when you feel like it without having to worry about what someone is saying about you. In all honesty, being “popular” or whatever you want to call it is way too much pressure. I would much rather walk around pretending to put spells on people with my Elder Wand than worry about which days I am and am not allowed to wear pink so I don’t have to eat lunch by myself. As long as you think you’re cool enough at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Then, hey, if you have to eat lunch alone, at least you’re hanging out with someone you think is pretty cool! Seriously, I could amuse myself for hours.

But you know what’s even better? Having family and friends who love you for who you are. Because who’s Superman without Lois Lane? Chewbacca without Han Solo? R2D2 without C3PO? I am so thankful for my incredible family and friends who love my nerdiness and actually religiously read my blog because they want to, ask me math problems because they need help and/or because they know I love doing math, and watch Star Wars/Superman/Batman movie marathons with me because they love them to.

Being a nerd is awesome and I wouldn’t want to be anything else. Life is too short to care what other people think about you.

Live long and prosper.

May the force be with you.

Carpe NerDiem!

10 Reasons Why I Defriended You on Facebook

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I’ve finally done it! I have finally gone through my Facebook friends and deleted the people I don’t know, have forgotten, am annoyed with, and, frankly, sick of. A couple months ago, I realized I had over 2,000 Facebook friends. Now, I don’t think I have enough close friends to even fill up a house for a dinner party; I definitely don’t know over 2,000 people.

I know how it happened. Throughout college between all of the conventions, organizations, parties, friends of friends of friends, the random cute guy I wanted to stalk, it all started to add up! But over the past couple months, I didn’t even want to use Facebook anymore because I would scroll through my news feed and wouldn’t even be sure who I was looking at anymore and not really caring about one of my “friend’s” new cat and it’s 100s of pictures (seriously, who posts 100 pictures of their cat? I can’t handle this).

I finally decided enough and started to slowly unfriend people. Well, let’s just say it’s not easy going through 2,000 people. It took me 1 hour to get through the A’s alone! It’s seemed a lot less difficult in my head but by the time you see the person’s name, their profile to decide to keep them or not… well, here’s how I decided to ultimately unfriend them:

1) I don’t recognize your name. Basically, if I had to actually look through your profile to figure out who you are and why we became friends in the first place, there’s a 50/50 shot that I unfriended you. Maybe that jogged my memory, but if not, adios!

2) Your group pictures show up on my News Feed
and I don’t know which one you are…

3) You send me game requests CONSTANTLY
No, I don’t want to add you to “My Birthdays” or play “Criminal Case” or share crops (or whatever it is they do on that Farming game). There’s a reason I haven’t accepted your request the first 1,395 times. It’s been a long time coming, my “friend.”

4) You keep adding me to random groups
WHEN and WHY did Facebook ever make the option to add people to a group without their approval? And if you were truly my friend, you would know I’m not interested in being part of your “Drifffffftttingg!!!@@!!” group (you can’t make this stuff up).

5) You have lost your phone too many times
Seriously, get it together.

6) You’re constantly posting daragtory posts/pictures or using daragtory language
I’m a big fan of Freedom of Speech, but not a fan of Freedom of @#$%^&. Sorry.

7) You are confusing Facebook with Twitter
And changing your status every 5 seconds with everything that happens to you. Sorry about the traffic, but wrong media outlet #FacebookProblems.

8) …and Instagram
NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU’RE EATING! Save the “nomnoms” for the #igers

9) I’m so tired of your pity party
I’m sorry that you can’t find a boyfriend. And maybe you’re right that men are so judgemental and if you were 20 lbs. skinnier you would have a boyfriend. But maybe you can’t find a boyfriend because your Facebook friends are annoyed with you posting about how you can’t find a boyfriend. Hmm!

10) Your political voice is too loud
Regardless of my own political affiliation, the minute you post “I THINK THEREFORE I AM NOT (Republican/Democrat),” (like I said, you can’t make this stuff up) I have no room for you in my life, let alone News Feed. It’s about unconditional respect.

If one of those reasons applies to you and I kept you on, it may have been because

1) It would have been too much drama to defriend you. You’ll find out, you’ll gossip, I’ll get an awkward Facebook message along with some bad karma. No thanks. Looking at your cats is a small price to pay

2) I want to see where you end up in life. Maybe we went to elementary school together… or maybe you were mean to me in High School and I’ll end up your boss one day (*evil nerd laugh*).

3) I only friend-ed you to stalk you. Don’t judge me. That’s normal, isn’t it?

Much Luv,
-Avi

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Why I Shaved My Legs Today

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So today was just like any ordinary day. I was hanging out with my mom watching some good ol’ Food tv when the doorbell rang. We weren’t expecting company so I reluctantly opened the door to see who it was. It was some guy trying to see if we were interested in having his company take care of our lawn. I proceeded to tell him we already have someone who takes care of that for us but thanks anyway.

Then something weird happened.

We were no longer making eye contact. Now, as a 34D myself I’m no stranger to the phrase “eyes up here, sailor.” In fact, this guy was doing nothing to hide the fact that he was no longer making eye contact with me. AT ALL. But he wasn’t looking at my 34Ds.

He was looking at my legs.

Ok ok so my boyfriend has been out of town since last week so who am I trying to impress? Usually women who don’t shave for a couple days don’t have to worry too much. Umm, not me. I’m Indian. If I go 2 hours without shaving any traveling salesman within a 3 mile radius will be able to tell.

He wouldn’t stop rambling about this and that even after I told him we already have someone who maintains our lawn. But he probably didn’t hear me, he was mesmerized by the long hairy beasts beneath my shorts.

I finally had to cut him off. “UM NO THANK YOU BYE!” And shut the door on him.

But here’s what I want to know: why does social convention dictate that I need to take an extra 15 minutes a day in the shower to shave my legs when this guy can run around with two Yetis on his legs? I say 15 minutes because contrary to male belief it takes longer than a couple seconds to take care of it. I said “a day” because, well lets be honest, I’m Indian. Enough said.

Now I’m not a feminist by any means. But when it comes to things like this where society makes me do way more work than guys, it makes me mad! I’m lazy enough as it is. I don’t need lawn maintenance guys judging me and my lack of maintenance. But I still ran to my bathroom and used every Skintimate-Venus-Veet product under my bathroom sink to attempt to mask my embarrassment.

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I mean honestly, did this guy think he was going to gain a new customer with this approach? Or maybe he just couldn’t stop thinking forget the grass…

Much luv,
Avi