10 Things Guys will Never Understand about Ladies

The other day my boyfriend looked at me and said, “I don’t understand why girls need so many shoes.” I just stared at him in disbelief that he couldn’t understand something that was so inherently female. But this was right after he bought me the most gorgeous pair of Cole Haan’s, so I let it slide.

I couldn’t blame him really. Being a lady is something so awesome, it’s beyond comprehension. I thought back to how many times over the past couple of months Boyfriend said something along the lines of, “why are girls…” or “how come girls are so obsessed with…” and it’s made me realize how many things there are about ladies that guys will never understand. Here are just a couple of them:

1. Needing a giant closet

This one has a simple answer. To store all of our 40 dresses, 30 shirts, and cute work clothes (yes, not all of our dresses are considered work clothes). Oh, and just because we are smaller than you and own tank tops that are smaller than your dress shirts, we do not need a smaller closet. It doesn’t work like that.

Closet not drawn to scale.

Closet not drawn to scale.

2. Using conditioner

No, we cannot use your 2-in-one-shampoo-and-conditioner because the conditioner aspect is non existent for us. Call it physics, call it chemistry, whatever you want to call it, we can’t use it the way you do. And you know it’s true too because when you use all of our conditioner up we end up looking like this:

ugh.

ugh.

3. Taking a long time to get ready

While you all you have to do is put on a nice shirt and jeans and throw some gel in your hair, we have to pick an outfit (which takes twice as long as it takes you to get ready alone), do our hair, then our make up, and then do it all over again when it’s not perfect. At the end of the day, don’t complain about it because we’re trying to look perfect for you.

4. Why the flowers you give us die

Who pulled them out of the ground to give them to us in the first place? You killed them, not us.

Ok. No problem.

Ok. No problem.

5. Why we love cuddling

We like to be held and loved. It feels amazing and it feels even more amazing when we do it with you.

6. Shopping.

Owning a million pairs of shoes and dresses, donating them and getting more is one of the best parts of being a lady. We know you’re jealous.

Another reason why we need a giant closet.

Another reason why we need a giant closet.

7. Spending endless hours on Pinterest

IT’S LIKE AN IMAGINARY WORLD WHERE YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE, WEAR ANY PIECE OF CLOTHING, EXERCISE WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING, EAT ONLY HEALTHY FOOD, AND LAUGH AT EVERY RIDICULOUS THING. And no, you cannot have one. Girls only.

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8. Our obsession with babies, puppies, kittens.

Because they’re adorable. And by the way, we think you’re insane when you don’t agree.

9. Getting fit and skinny

We have to get bikini ready, fit into tight dresses, and look Barbie perfect. There’s a social pressure for us to be as beautiful as possible that guys do not have. This involves Special K diets, no carb diets, working out on the stationary bike (or the excer-cycle as Boyfriend likes to call it), eating clean, and any other crazy food fad diet you can imagine. You guys either have super high metabolisms and can eat 3 Baconators without thinking twice, or get a beer belly and no one would think anything of it. Sometimes we get jealous of you… then realize how much cuter our clothes are then yours and we get over it.

10. Getting married, the wedding dress, the ring, having babies.

We have a biological clock and are on a time crunch here! Get a move on it and if you like it put a ring on it! And as for the ring,the wedding dress, and the wedding, we’ve been thinking about all of those things since we were seven years old and dressing ourselves up in our mom’s white table cloth. It better be perfect!

Dum dum da dum... dum dum da dum...

Dum dum da dum… dum dum da dum…

Bottom line:

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xoxo
Avi

 

Lessons I’ve Learned from my Best Friend…. And Chelsea Handler

I just finished reading Chelsea Handler’s book “Uganda Be Kidding Me,” (by recommendation from my best friend, Jill) and wow, I don’t remember the last time I was in tears laughing so hard from a book. I quickly learned that this was not a book I should read at work. I’m sure the people in the ER don’t need to listen to a 20 some year old’s high pitched laugh while they’re sick with the Flu or are in the middle of a GI Bleed.

In any case, surprisingly enough I learned a lot from Chelsea Handler! A lot of these things I already knew though because I had learned them from Jill.

This is Jill.

This is Jill.

Let me start by saying Jill is my everything. She is totally the kind of girl I would take home to meet my parents, just so they would know that I do indeed make great life decisions. She’s the person I seek guidance from in all things. I have told her numerous times that I want to tattoo “WWJD” on my wrist, until she so sweetly in that very Jill way informed me that I cannot do that because that acronym is already taken.

This book is about the several trips Chelsea Handler has taken throughout adulthood from Botswana to Switzerland. But she never goes anywhere without her best friends, specifically her best friend Lesbian Shelly. Their relationship is much like mine and Jill’s in that Shelly is a lot like Jill, minus the lesbian part.

Jill and her fiance. Just to clarify, Jill is not a lesbian.

Jill and her fiance. Just to clarify, Jill is not a lesbian.

So between Chelsea Handler and Jill, I have learned many life lessons. Here are just a few of them:

A best friend is someone you can call in case of emergency. At one point, Chelsea Handler brought home a new puppy that overnight tore apart their whole house. Chelsea immediately woke up Shelly and asked her what to do. I remember one time I dropped candle wax all over my dresser because I accidentally closed the window on a burning candle. It got all into my eyes, down my dress, and all over the carpet. I texted Jill, “umm. How do you get candle wax out of stuff…” and she said “oh dear, we’ll figure it out.” I was so comforted by the fact that we were now in this together.

Animals are life. If you’ve ever seen Chelsea Lately, you are probably already acquainted with Chunk Handler, Chelsea’s adorable dog. She is so in love with him that he flies on her private plane and Chelsea will fly commercial. Chelsea also believes that Chunk is the spirit of her mother. Well, the only other person I know that is nearly as obsessed with her pet is Jill. I don’t think Jill thinks Henrietta is her mom, although I have seen Henrietta and Jill’s mom (who by the way, has a sense of humor to rival Chelsea Handler) together and they are two peas in a pod. I mean, who wouldn’t be obsessed with this adorable face?

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Don’t be fooled by her ridiculous good looks.

Every conversation with Jill consists of what Henrietta is up to these days, what she’s doing now, and how she can’t stop talking about me. If you talk to Henrietta in front of Jill, Jill will fill in the voice for Henrietta, and it always makes sense.

“Hi Henrietta! Remember me?”

Jill’s response: Hi Meow-vanti!
Henrietta’s response: HI(SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS)!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and for your Birthday and Christmas, you just might get a card from Jill and Henrietta. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

All things can be fixed with laughter, alcohol… And a razor. Whenever Chelsea finds herself in a pickle, her first solution is to find the closest Bloody Mary or margarita. They found themselves in the middle of Africa on a horrible resort where the coolest thing to see was a squirrel. Chelsea’s response was, “we didn’t fly all the way here to look at a squirrel,” and they proceeded to tell the tour guide to take them home so they could drown in their miseries.

The last awful series of events in my life was when I had gotten into a car accident, had a consecutive number of horrible days at work, and locked myself out of the house twice over the period of 3 days. The final time I locked myself out of my house, was right before mine and Jill’s Monday night girls night. I had just driven an hour back home from work only to realize that I had lost my key again. I was sitting in my front yard, inside of my car (not knowing that my house key was underneath my seat the entire time) on the verge of tears. Jill told me to just come right over even though I had nothing with me and desperately needed a shower and to shave my legs after working in the ER for 10 hours. Once I got there, she handed me a glass of wine, a towel, a razor, and one of her dresses. By the time I stepped out of her bathroom I felt like a whole new woman! Jill literally has the reset button on me. I guess you could say I’m her Gigapet.

Manners are our friends. Chelsea Handler having no manners needs no explanation and this book has so many wonderful examples of that, like being rude to tour guides, not powering down her cell phone before take off, and answering the door without bikini bottoms. Her friends are always there to steer her in the right direction. As for me, Jill has always reminded me to use my manners. Like the other day when she burped and said excuse me and I said nothing, she repeated, “I said excuse me.” And I, as any normal person would do, stared blankly at her as if I thought I knew the appropriate response in this social situation but all that came out was “goo.” Jill reminds me on a regular basis that I was actually raised by a pack of wolves and she’s in the process of re-raising me now. Thanks Jill.

There is no such thing as a dumb question. One of my favorite parts of this book is when Chelsea asks her sister, Simone, something that had been troubling her. “Simone, I need to ask you something but it has to stay between us. Is the moon… the sun? Like, are they the same thing?” After her older sister answered her question, Chelsea requested she not repeat that that had just happened Simone responded, “it’s ok Chelsea. You not knowing is a poor reflection on me.”

Everyone needs that person you can ask dumb questions to. Jill is mine. Yesterday I asked her “why are there so many cats?” She politely responded with an actual historical answer. I didn’t even know there was a history behind cats. Maybe she was just making it up, I don’t know. But Jill could feed me any lie and I would believe her entirely. If that’s not true love I don’t know what is. Later that day we also had the following conversation:

“Jill, do Pilgrims still exist?”
“What?”
“Like, how come when people introduce themselves they’ll say ‘I’m Irish’ or ‘I’m Indian’ but no one says ‘I’m Pilgrim’?”
“No, they don’t exist anymore.”
“What do you mean no? How can a whole race of people disappear??”
“It’s not a race. It’s more like a status. A Pilgrim is someone who crossed the ocean to come to America during the 17th century.”
“Oooooh! Well, my people crossed the ocean to come to America too. Am I Pilgrim?”
“No, Pilgrims with a capital P are the white people that came to America. But you’re ancestors are pilgrim with a lower case p!”
“Wow, Jill. That’s the most racist thing I’ve ever heard.”

At the end of the day , I don’t even need anyone else. Jill pinky promised me that if we out-live our future husbands that we can live together as old ladies and become lesbians. And, well, pinky promises are blood.

I guess Jill will have more in common with Lesbian Shelly that we thought!

Happy birthday, Jill! I love you so much!!! I don’t know what I would do with out you! And I can honestly say, I don’t know what would become of me if I didn’t have you.

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xoxo,
Avi

You’ve Experienced Richmond If…

Proud to be a Richmond-er!

eyes of the universe

  1. You’ve been to the James River with your friends during the hottest days of the summer. One of you was almost swept away by the current, and another one got hit on by one of random guys with tattoos and a dog (and this happens actually multiple times)
  2. But you know Belle Isle is the best place for tanning and you keep going back anyway
  3. You love your friends, but secretly resent them when they ask you to hang out somewhere thirty minutes away from you
  4. You can’t stand the idea of change in the city. No, we don’t need a ballpark in Shockoe Bottom. No, Benedictine shouldn’t have moved. 
  5. You have a few bad experiences with bridges
  6. The sunrise over the James River takes your breath away, but still manages to scare you because you’re driving across the Huguenot Bridge and don’t want to stare too long (Photo credit…

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Why Juan Pablo is Easily the Smartest Bachelor Ever

Ah, Juan Pablo, easily the most hated Bachelor in Bachelor history. The one who made totally superficial comments and let every woman know “it’s ok” to “trust him.” We fell in love with him when he was on Desiree’s season so much that they brought him back for our viewing pleasure for an entire season. And boy were we pleased. In fact, up until the overnight dates, we were all pretty happy with how things were going, even though we were pretty sure he was going fall in line with his predecessors and pick the nastiest woman of the season, Clare.

So what happened?

We gained so much trust in Andi, which is exactly what the producers wanted since they knew she was going to be the next Bachelorette, that we lost sight of our trust in Juan Pablo and reality t.v., and with it, our sense of reality.

But putting Andi’s experience aside, Juan Pablo is the smartest bachelor to ever grace the Bachelor mansion. Here are 3 reasons.

1. He didn’t pick Clare

Which, let’s be honest, is exactly what we all expected. Bachelors have a hideous track record of picking the worst choice of the season, all the way from Alex Michel and the non-Trista Amanda Marsh to Jake Pavelka and the awful Vienna Giradi. All of Bachelor Nation sat and cringed the second we realized how much Juan Pablo favored Clare over everyone else, including perfect Pediatric Nurse, Niki. We couldn’t help but visualized what a wicked step mother Clare would be to sweet Camilla. When ABC took us to meet her family, we watched in shock that her family could somehow be even worse than her and no wonder she’s the way she is. But then something magical happened; as soon as we realized it was in fact Clare that was first off the boat walking to her break up, we all collectively jumped for joy and realized, it really is ok!

2. He told Clare like it is

Yes, maybe it was an inappropriate thing to say to someone. But the only reason Clare made such a big deal about it was because she was trying to get Juan Pablo to say he loves her off camera and he didn’t, which in my opinion is even more inappropriate. A man will tell you he loves you when he’s ready, not when the cameras are turned off. Moreover, Clare was only getting what she put out. Don’t go to someone’s hotel room at 3 o’clock in the morning saying let’s go “swim” in the ocean even though we’ve only hung out 4 times and then get upset when he says something like that to you. What else do you expect? Sorry sister, he’s not in love with you and that’s your own fault.

3. He took his opportunity on reality t.v. as reality

I get why everyone is upset. I too followed Juan Pablo’s journey for love for 3 months and was a little disappointed that there was no proposal and not even an I love you at the end of it. But Juan Pablo was given the opportunity of a lifetime and he took advantage of every moment, ensuring that his relationship could continue after the show was over. You all may have seen someone dodging the question of whether or not he loves Nicki, but I saw a man that was being berated about whether or not he’s in love, having to justify why he wasn’t, and couldn’t wait for the entire experience to be over so he could really get to know his girlfriend and fall in love with her on his own time. The Bachelor is not very conducive to falling in love and anyone that is “in love” by the end of the show is most likely just making good t.v. Juan Pablo isn’t “slapping the hand that fed him,” he was simply treating his reality t.v. show as reality itself, something, if more Bachelor couples did, that would drastically increase the success of love on this show.

Sure Juan Pablo had his ups and downs and upset Andi and Sharleen enough they wanted to leave. But no Bachelor is perfect. And let’s be honest, what Andi thought was him being self centered and self absorbed may have just been a dude trying to get into her pants. Think about it.

I say people should stop hating Juan Pablo so much and instead focus on how ABC ripped us off and picked Andi as Bachelorette next season. FREE SPIRIT FOR BACHELORETTE 2014!

xoxo
Avi

5 Reasons Why I have Considered Deleting Facebook (but can’t)

The original concept of Facebook was awesome: being able to connect with your college friends and then staying in touch as the years went on.

The operative word here being “original.” I am sorry to say that I was part of that generation that ruined Facebook. Once my generation came along, high schoolers realized there was another avenue of social media to let every stranger in the world know where they are, what they’re doing, and give them another opportunity to creep on them. I, having an older sister and knowing what Facebook was intended for, did not have one until I graduated high school and got into college. So I suppose I’ve always had somewhat of a distate for Facebook: and for as long as I’ve had one it’s only evolved into something I don’t want to use even more.

I’m not sure when games, obnoxious advertisements, and sharing to the 5th degree was ever intended to be integrated into social media. It was tolerable before, but with every new evolution of Facebook, it becomes increasingly intolerable. We’ve gone from the “poke” to Farmville to the point where I have seriously considered deleting it altogether.

I know what you’re thinking; why don’t you just delete your Facebook then and quit whining about it? Trust me, as much as I want to, it’s an addiction. It’s like knowing how terrible cigarettes are for you and not being able to quit. Facebook is my drug and social-media-cancer is my imminent death.

In the mean time, I’m going to whine about it. Here are 5 reasons why I have considered deleting my Facebook:

1. Procrastination
It’s our go-to method of avoiding homework, work, or doing anything productive in life. Even though you’ve convinced yourself that you won’t log on during exam week or you’ve deleted the app from your cell phone a thousands times, you somehow find yourself at the corner of “man I want to tell the world how much I love this song” and “but I really need to finish this project.” Who wins in the end? We all know the answer to that one.

2. It puts you in a bad mood

Or maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s all women. So many us fall victim to “virtual envy” and Facebook is our first avenue. How many times has this happened to you/your friend/your sister: You’ve been dating a guy for 6 years and have been waiting for him to propose for 5 and everytime another one of your friends gets engaged, you defriend them/block them from your newsfeed/immediately close out the notification. But it keeps popping up in your news feed because your friend’s-mother’s-sister also happens to be friends with her and she liked her status, “happily engaged! Can’t wait for the big day!” and there you are, at the bottom of a carton of Ben and Jerry’s.

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating. But only a little.

3. Judgement Central

When was the last time you stopped yourself from posting a picture because you didn’t want your Facebook “friends” to judge you and your life decisions? It’s because we’re friends with 1,000 people and only really know about 20 of them. I’d say don’t worry about that long lost relative or that old college roommate who didn’t know how to keep her music down, but then I’d be a hypocrite.

4. DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA!

Whether it’s “I cannot believe she defriended me” or your mother calling you at endless hours of the night because your dad’s sister’s husband’s sister in India whom you’ve never met in your life somehow came across a picture of your new boyfriend and *gasp!* he’s not Indian! And privacy settings? Who is Facebook trying to kid. If I had a dollar for someone who wasn’t supposed to see my Facebook that did I’d be rich enough to buy Facebook.

5. I don’t need to know about some giraffe somewhere being killed and fed to the lions.

Or accidentally coming across a video of baby chicks being shredded into McDonalds chicken nuggets. Facebook is everyone’s hub to mandatorily make people read what they have to say or watch the videos they post as their friends scroll through their newsfeed.  And who’s brilliant idea was it to automatically play videos? “That way, as people scroll across them when they’re in a doctors office and they accidentally leave their volume on, everyone will stare at them as an obnoxious blonde chick is screaming out of their phone or a monkey is humping it’s girlfriend! It’s brilliant!” And don’t even get me started on Bit Strips.

Oh yeah- and defriending those friends that post stupid stuff like this doesn’t work either. Because as long as someone you know liked a post, you can see things from people you don’t even know (half the time I swear I don’t even know the liker). And honestly, I don’t need to see what your mother’s-sister’s-friend’s-plumber posted, liked, or shared on Facebook because usually something depressing, offensive, or stupid. Once in a while I’ll come across something pretty awesome! But then the next thing will be back to ridiculousness and it’s not even worth it.

Maybe a total deletion of Facebook is pretty harsh. Maybe I’ll just have 10 Facebook friends and a waiting list and the minute one of them does something stupid, they’re out and the next one is in.

Beware my friends.

Much luv,
Avi

5 Ways to Smile on a Rainy Day

When I was little, every time it rained, my big sister would take me to get ice cream. We would dig through our purses, find all the pennies, nickles, and dimes we could, go to Maggie Moos, and share ice cream in a waffle cone. Even though I was around the age of 4, I’ll never forget those moments. Sticking my nose against the magical glass that seperated me from 13 tubs of sweet, creamy goodness and watching the man on the other side mix our favorite toppings in cotton candy ice cream and handing it to my sister. Outside the weather was wet and gloomy, but in my little heart, I was shaking with happiness in my rain boots!

20 years later, I have still only associated rain with happiness. I have my sister to thank for that.

Today is another one of those days. And today is no different from every rainy day that came before it.

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I woke up and looked outside my window to a pouring, rain storm. Instead of going back to bed and letting the gloomy weather take over, I headed to my favorite cafe, found out that their Mocha is hot chocolate with a shot of espresso (*mind blown*), got my favorite BLT with a warm soup, and sat reading my favorite book for two hours in front of the fireplace. I took the long way home and enjoyed the wet view of my gorgeous suburbia. This has to have been one of my favorite rainy days so far.

Admittedly when I have told people how I treat rainy days, I’ve been met with some skepticism. Most people like to bury themselves under their covers and sleep all day until the rain goes away. Well, this is me saying jump out of your bed and enjoy the rainy day!

Here are some of my favorite ways:

1. Douse yourself in sugar!
When you think of happiness, what images come to mind? Cotton candy, snickers bars, snow cones, ice cream, anything that gives you a sugar rush. Dig through your house for some of that sugary, tasty goodness and you’ll fall under the spell of a sugar rush in no time! If all else fails, make hot chocolate! Here’s my sister’s secret recipe:

Step 1: Find Hershey’s bars.

Step 2: Melt on the stove.

Step 3: Mix into milk.

Step 4: Give to your baby sister and watch her spill it all over herself. Enjoy!

2. Curl up with your favorite book!
You can do no wrong when there’s a book in your hands! For rainy days, I like to save my dirties/funniest/most romantic novels or dig up old ones. There’s no pressure to finish the whole thing, maybe just skip to the middle where you know the juicy scenes are! You know which books I’m talking about. Fifity Shades, anyone? Nora Roberts, Sophie Kinsella, Nicholas Sparks? They write the best rainy day reads.

The book on my current rainy day list is A Total Waste of Makeup by Kim Gruenenfelder. It’s been a long time since I’ve found a book I can’t book down! I love this one!

3. Open up all the windows! Invite the rain inside!

(Just don’t light some candles; then things can get a little depressing… unless they smell good! Then there’s nothing depressing about that, right?)

There’s a reason why some people can’t fall asleep unless they listen to the sound of rain. There is something so peaceful about the sound of the pitter-patter of rain drops on the ground. We live in a world where the majority of the noises we hear are car horns blasting, iPhones ringing, and people typing away on their keyboard. When was the last time you opened the window and just listened? What a better day to start than on a glorious rainy day.

Perhaps the only noise prettier is the noise that comes after the rain, when the birds come out chirping and the wind blows through the rain left on the ground. Quiet and cool.

4. Check the temperature!

It has been in the single digits in Virginia lately, and just when us Virginians thought it couldn’t get any colder, it began to rain today. But as I was driving home, I looked at the temperature gauge in my car and realized it was 60 degrees! Unbelievable! We associate rain with the cold but in actuality, the rain only comes when it’s nice outside, otherwise it wouldn’t be rain, but sleet or snow. And who doesn’t get excited by 60 degree, gorgeous weather!

5. Cuddle!

Get your bestie or boyfriend and cuddle up on the couch under a blanket and watch your favorite movie (with the windows open, of course!). There’s nothing like the warmth of another body while watching your favorite flick. Not only will the raindrops be spilling into your home, but the endorphins will flow! In the words of Elle Woods,

There you have it! Some of my favorite ways to get an instant boost of happiness on rainy, dreary days!

And if all else fails, take a nap and dream of great weather!

xoxo,
Avi

My Human Tagline: Loquacious Indian Brat

Daily Prompt: Tagline http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/daily-prompt-tagline/

Often, our blogs have taglines. But what if humans did, too? What would your tagline be?

Loquacious Indian Brat.

The three words in the English language that describe me the best.

Loquacious: because I never stop talking. Seriously, it’s an issue.

Indian: because it defines who I am. My culture. My heritage. Where I come from.

Brat: because I cannot deny it anymore. I am such a brat.

Oh yeah, probably nerd somewhere in there too… since I love studying and books and all… 😎

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My sister recently told me that when I was little, everyone used to say I was going to be an artist because I have long fingers (I always just thought they were just man-hands. Who knew!). I thought I would check out what my “innate ability” was capable of. Not too shabby I guess! I still draw the way I used to when I was 7.

Side note: I do remember always drawing myself wearing a crown. I guess I’ve been bratty from the beginning… hmm another potential tagline, I suppose!

Much Luv,
-Avi