I’ve finally done it! I have finally gone through my Facebook friends and deleted the people I don’t know, have forgotten, am annoyed with, and, frankly, sick of. A couple months ago, I realized I had over 2,000 Facebook friends. Now, I don’t think I have enough close friends to even fill up a house for a dinner party; I definitely don’t know over 2,000 people.
I know how it happened. Throughout college between all of the conventions, organizations, parties, friends of friends of friends, the random cute guy I wanted to stalk, it all started to add up! But over the past couple months, I didn’t even want to use Facebook anymore because I would scroll through my news feed and wouldn’t even be sure who I was looking at anymore and not really caring about one of my “friend’s” new cat and it’s 100s of pictures (seriously, who posts 100 pictures of their cat? I can’t handle this).
I finally decided enough and started to slowly unfriend people. Well, let’s just say it’s not easy going through 2,000 people. It took me 1 hour to get through the A’s alone! It’s seemed a lot less difficult in my head but by the time you see the person’s name, their profile to decide to keep them or not… well, here’s how I decided to ultimately unfriend them:
1) I don’t recognize your name. Basically, if I had to actually look through your profile to figure out who you are and why we became friends in the first place, there’s a 50/50 shot that I unfriended you. Maybe that jogged my memory, but if not, adios!
2) Your group pictures show up on my News Feed
and I don’t know which one you are…
3) You send me game requests CONSTANTLY
No, I don’t want to add you to “My Birthdays” or play “Criminal Case” or share crops (or whatever it is they do on that Farming game). There’s a reason I haven’t accepted your request the first 1,395 times. It’s been a long time coming, my “friend.”
4) You keep adding me to random groups
WHEN and WHY did Facebook ever make the option to add people to a group without their approval? And if you were truly my friend, you would know I’m not interested in being part of your “Drifffffftttingg!!!@@!!” group (you can’t make this stuff up).
5) You have lost your phone too many times
Seriously, get it together.
6) You’re constantly posting daragtory posts/pictures or using daragtory language
I’m a big fan of Freedom of Speech, but not a fan of Freedom of @#$%^&. Sorry.
7) You are confusing Facebook with Twitter
And changing your status every 5 seconds with everything that happens to you. Sorry about the traffic, but wrong media outlet #FacebookProblems.
8) …and Instagram
NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU’RE EATING! Save the “nomnoms” for the #igers
9) I’m so tired of your pity party
I’m sorry that you can’t find a boyfriend. And maybe you’re right that men are so judgemental and if you were 20 lbs. skinnier you would have a boyfriend. But maybe you can’t find a boyfriend because your Facebook friends are annoyed with you posting about how you can’t find a boyfriend. Hmm!
10) Your political voice is too loud
Regardless of my own political affiliation, the minute you post “I THINK THEREFORE I AM NOT (Republican/Democrat),” (like I said, you can’t make this stuff up) I have no room for you in my life, let alone News Feed. It’s about unconditional respect.
If one of those reasons applies to you and I kept you on, it may have been because
1) It would have been too much drama to defriend you. You’ll find out, you’ll gossip, I’ll get an awkward Facebook message along with some bad karma. No thanks. Looking at your cats is a small price to pay
2) I want to see where you end up in life. Maybe we went to elementary school together… or maybe you were mean to me in High School and I’ll end up your boss one day (*evil nerd laugh*).
3) I only friend-ed you to stalk you. Don’t judge me. That’s normal, isn’t it?