30 Things Guys Should Know About Us

I found this list from a blog I used to keep when I was 14 (almost 10 years ago). It was written by a good guy friend of mine. All are still very true!

WRITTEN BY A MAN WITH MUCH EXPERIENCE

1. Whatever u do, don’t just show up at their house… they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. DON’T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they will find out and you will be mud.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the hat.

4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.

5. DON’T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you DESERVED it.

7. DON’T be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.

8. If you DON’T sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON’T tell your friends that you did.

9. You CAN be dirty minded in private, really… most of them are not offended by it.

10. not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

11. Most of them DON’T mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a prick.

11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get THREE THINGS from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.

15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. NEVER , ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

17. go to a chick flick once in a while. she DOESN’T care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You’re dead meat if you CAN’T get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be PRINCE CHARMING to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

19. DON’T flirt with their moms… that’s just freaky.

20. DON’T be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be UNDERSTANDING.

21. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better introduce her as your girlfriend.

23. DON’T stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very GENTLE .

26. Memorize their freakin birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.

27. DON’T marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. DON’T give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or ANNIVERSARY or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

29. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

30. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

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Staring Contests with my Cat

Waiting for Hurricane Sandy reminds me of my childhood. As I scroll through my Facebook news feed looking at status updates from friends by the beach talking about cancelled classes, I’m impatiently waiting for classes to be cancelled on Monday for us too.

Snow Day!

When I was in high school, I would sit by my window waiting for the imminent snow storm while staying up late, procrastinating because I just knew school would be cancelled the next day. Then I’d wake up early the next morning and lay in bed for a couple minutes as I listened to my dad watch the news. 10 minutes would go by and my mom would come into my room and say one of two things: “NO SCHOOL! GO BACK TO SLEEP” or “WAKE UP! TIME FOR SCHOOL.” Then I’d either sleep half the day away or get up, panic about unfinished homework, and walk to school, thinking about the day up ahead full of whining from teachers and students alike.

Is this what life is about? Living from snow day to snow day? Instead of focusing on the here and now?

Today was my father’s 60th birthday party. 60 years. It’s unbelievable. In Indian culture, 60 years is considered the rebirth of a human being, so I guess my dad is turning 1.

The whole day was spent recognizing all of my father’s many accomplishments. My dad came to this country in 1975 with 500 rupees in his pocket, some lentil packets in his suitcase, made $250 per month as a chicken farmer to save enough money to bring my mom to the states. $250 sounds so little these days, but their apartment rent was $25 and gas was $0.45. Still, he had to work extremely hard to get to where he is now. He now has his own company while working an extraordinary job, all while raising two incredible daughters with all the love a father could give.

He is living the American Dream.

My father still has many years to live and these will be the most relaxing and amazing years of his life. But, the entire day was spent in the past.

Life is right here, right now, and yet we are always trying to focus on the past or future. Whether it’s looking back at our successes or looking forward to missing a day of school, time is spent elsewhere instead of simply doing our homework. Then the second we realize the future we were looking forward to is here, we roll over and go back to sleep. The time we would have spent here and now is wasted.

Imagine what life would be like if everyone was present 100% of the time. Diplomats wouldn’t argue over petty issues because they wouldn’t be looking at wars past. Heartbreak wouldn’t be so bad because you wouldn’t focus on what was and what could have been. Politicians would have a fair debate because we wouldn’t waste time looking at their track record and, instead, focus on their individual strengths and weaknesses.

We would actually live life; not just look at it.

Of course it’s important to look to the past, to learn from our mistakes, and look to the future, to work towards our goals.

But when most of life’s precious time is spent looking back or forward, when do we ever stop to look around?

The only time I remember being present is when the teacher was taking roll in 3rd grade. And even that was in between my staring across the room at Alan Stevens and imaging him as my future boyfriend.

Have you ever gotten into a staring contest with a cat? They always win. Their sense of here and now is impeccable.

But I guess we’d all be like that if we slept 17 hours a day.

3 Things I’m too Old to Do Around my Parents

I have the greatest parents. I really do. I’m 23 and I still love coming home and spending time with them. I’m fully aware that I can do whatever I want and they are fully aware that there is little they can do stop me from doing what I want. And yet, I still seem to regress to my old high school teenager ways whenever I come home. Even though I have the complete autonomy to do as I please, why do I still do certain things around my parents…

1) Pretend to be Asleep
My father just walked by my bedroom door and I’ve been up blogging on my iPad. Instead of continuing to blog and read, I turn off my iPad and pretend to be asleep. I know why I did it. To avoid:

Avi, shouldn’t you be going to sleep by now?
Yes, daddy. Good night.

You’re never too old to want to avoid “the tone” from your father, right? Instead of saying:

IM 23 AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHEN TO SLEEP!

Because that’s very adult-like.

2) Sneak in and out of the House
The other day I didn’t come back home until 5am. I like to think I snuck in so I wouldn’t disturb my parents, and while that’s part of it, I can’t help but wonder if the real reason was I didn’t want my parents to know I came in so late and have to tell them why. So instead, I turned off the alarm system from the outside and snuck in the house quietly. In the morning, what did I do?

3) LIE (or as I like to call it, hide the truth)
I told them I came back at midnight. Of all things, I have no idea why I still do this. I’m an adult for goodness sakes! I’m old enough to have a boyfriend, take responsibility for bad grades in college, hang out with whoever I want, drink whenever I want, and ignore phone calls whenever I want (read 5 Stages of a Mothers Worry), and yet I feel the need to lie about all of these things. “No mom, I’m not going out to see a boy,” or, “I got all As and one B this semester,” or, “of course I only had one drink at the bar,” and, “I’m in the library mom. I’ll call you later.” Sigh. What’s the matter with me.

Parents have a knack for regressing their kids. Their simple presence whether in person, over the phone, through a text message, or just knowledge of their existence a couple miles away is enough to drive their adult daughter to do horrible things. I should really fight this…

But what do I know, it’s past my bed time anyways.

Much love,
Avi

How Halloween and Bunnies will be the End of the Human Race as we know it

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Aaah… All Hallows Eve… the one night of the year where Playboy Bunnies and Disney Princesses in short dresses alike will come out to find a mate, or anyone who will give them a second look. The day where Corporate America will make their millions by counter intuitively selling fewer clothes for more of a price. The day of the year that has the potential to lead to our demise…

To the ladies who have decided to grab their lingerie and bunny ears and to those still on the fence, I plead to you, please think twice before putting on your costume. Your one decision has the ability to effect the entire female race, and ultimately, all of humanity, in a few simple steps:

Step 1: Women will be Objectified

I am by no means a feminist. But what I do have a problem with is other women objectifying themselves; when ladies find it okay to grab their bikinis and prance around the dance floor asking men to look at them.. This only makes it okay for men to objectify them, and in turn, all women. This is why when you go to clubs, men think it’s okay to grab the closest lady and dance with them or grope them as they please. It’s not because I objectified myself, but because that girl across the dance floor did and this guy thinks all women are now objects. Halloween is the one night of the year that reminds men women are nothing but toys.

Step 2: All Men will Objectify All Women… and get way with it.

Let’s take Chris Brown and Rihanna for example. It goes without saying Rihanna is one of the top three least clothed artists of our time at all times. In fact, I distinctly remember her performance on SNL a couple months ago where she was wearing something comparable to a Victoria Secret bikini while groping the microphone in X-rated, inappropriate ways. What has she done for herself? Objectified herself so much that she was the victim of an abusive relationship. And how did society respond? Chris Brown is still a chart-topping artist. I know of so many women (including myself) who refuse to listen to his music because of what he has done to Rihanna, but that hasn’t stopped his many successes. Instead, Rihanna continually takes him back and what message does that send to men?

Step 3: This Sweeps the Globe

Now that men realize how okay it is, all men everywhere will understand this basic concept and begin treating their women with disrespect and harm them. Again, it’s not that I as a woman did anything directly, but that someone else ruined it for me. Then what?

Step 4: The end of the human race as we know it

No more women=no more people. The end.

So please ladies, before you grab those bunny ears and stilettos to prance your bushy tail around all Halloween, please think twice. My future and my great grand children’s future depend on it.

As for me, I’m going to be a Skittle.

Much love and smiles,

Avi

5 Stages of a Mother’s Worry

I have the best mother in the world. I love her so much and she loves and cares about me so much. She cares about me so much in fact that if I do not return her phone call within a matter of milliseconds, she begins to panic and contact anyone and everyone to find out my whereabouts. This started about 4 years ago when I went off to college and hasn’t stopped since. I haven’t let it get as far as a week, but I ‘m afraid to let it get there.

I am still unsure if this is entirely because she is an Indian mother, but through careful observation and case studies I have been able to deduce it is certainly a factor. I have yet to meet a non-Indian who experiences such extreme measures from their own mother, but several Indians who have.

In any case, here is some insight into the hilarious world of having an Indian mother:

Day 1: First Ignored Phone Call
Number of calls: 1
Text message: “Hi Avi cal me” (my mom is just learning how to text. Shes 56. Pretty awesome.)
Voicemail: None
Reason for calling: None

Day 2: Second Ignored Phone Call
Number of calls: 1
Text message: None
Voicemail: “Hi Avi, it’s mom. I tried to call but no answer. Call me back. bye”
Reason for calling: Still none

Day 3: Commence Worried Mother
Number of calls: 2
Text message: “Avi, I try to cal. No answer. I am worry. Cal me”
Voicemail: “Avi I have been trying to reach you and you are not calling back. I am getting worried. Call me back. Bye”
Reason for calling: To yell at me for not calling her back
Alternative response: Contact my sister to see if she has heard from me.

Day 4: PANIC
Number of calls: 5
Text message: “Avi. Call me. We are worried”
Voicemail: “AVI WHERE ARE YOU. YOU ARE NOT RETURNING MY CALLS. call me, bye”
Reason for calling: To make sure I never ignore another phone call again.
Alternative response: Contact my sister/friends/roommate to see where I am

Day 5: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
Number of calls: Infinite
Text message: None
Voicemail: None
Alternative Response: Contact College/Richmond Police/Coast Gaurd/Navy Seals/Santa Claus/Cap’n Crunch/God Himself to find my body at the bottom of the James River, only to find out I have been sitting in the library.

Regardless of what stage this gets to, I ultimately have the same conversation with my mother:

“Hi Mom, what’s up?”
“VAT YOU MEAN?! VY YOU NOT CALL ME BACK! I HAVE BEEN VORRIED!”
“Mom, I’ve been busy with school”
“VAT YOU MEAN BUSY? YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO MOM? AT LEAST TEXT?”
“Okay mom, sorry. What’s up?”
“Nothing…did you eat?”

6 Things to STOP Saying to Indians

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I am a second generation Indian American woman (not to be confused with American Indian. As they say in GoodWill Hunting, we are the dots, not the feathers). I was born and raised in America and have been to India a couple times. Don’t get me wrong, I am very close to my heritage and culture, as my parents immigrated here when they were in their 20s. We are from Hyderabad, a city in southern India. Needless to say, you can’t tell any of this when you first look at me. In fact, most people think I just hopped of a boat from India yesterday and learned the Pledge of Allegiance today. As a result, I am asked some of the most ridiculous questions on a day-to-day basis. My goal is to put many of these questions to rest.

So, please, before you talk to another Indian, read these 6 things STOP saying to Indians:

1) Don’t you guys worship cows?!

For whatever reason, out of all of the fascinating aspects of Indian culture, World History classes around the country teach that cows are a sacred animal. Let’s get this straight: SACRED ANIMAL. NOT WORSHIPED ANIMAL. Many religious ceremonies use cow dung and we respect these animals and you and find them on any random road in India, but this does not mean we bow down and pray to them! Of all of the idiotic questions I get about Indian culture, this has to be the most ignorant.

2) I thought you’re not allowed to eat meat?!

This is the question I get every time I reach for a chicken wing. In India, there is a caste system that is still in existence. Depending on your caste, you may or not be allowed to eat meat. Brahmins are part of the ‘priest’ caste which means they are the closest to God and cannot “contaminate” their bodies with meat. Ksathriyas are the ‘royal’ caste which means they can pretty much eat whatever they want, although many choose to not eat beef. Most other castes do not dictate vegetarianism (this is the most general explanation I can come up with to explain this, but Hinduism is the oldest religion so there are MANY deviations from this basic concept). But many families, like my own, have become Americanized once they arrived at the states. As such, both myself and my father eat all kinds of meat even though we are Brahmin. My sister and my mother are vegetarians. To each their own!

3) Why do you wear a dot on your forehead?!

It’s for decoration, ok? Let’s just leave it at that.

4) Do you like/eat/make curry?

Yes, we like curry. Yes, our moms make the best curry. Yes, we eat curry as our main source of protein. And yes, for whatever reason many Indian men smell like curry. This does not mean you can ask this question. Asking so is like me going up to a Caucasian person and asking “DO YOU LIKE HAMBURGERS? WHY DO ALL AMERICAN MEN SMELL LIKE HAMBURGERS? IS THAT ALL YOU GUYS EAT?!” Seriously, lay off the curry or we’ll never share it with you.

5) Do you speak Indian?

No, I do not. No one speaks Indian. Do you speak American? Hindi, Telugu, Tamil, Kanada, THESE are languages. INDIAN is NOT a language. Oh, and don’t ask me to “say something in Indian,” or you’ll have an Indian in your face.

6) Are you going to have an arranged marriage?!

While all of the other questions listed here are idiotic, this one does have some merit to it. Unfortunately, this question has always been posed with a preconceived notion that all Indian women will have an arranged marriage. While the majority of my family has been married through an arranged marriage, this concept is slowly fading in Indian culture, especially in the states. In fact, my own parents were married through a love marriage turned arranged marriage. Most Indian Americans are given the option of a love marriage first and if it doesn’t work out or they don’t feel like looking for someone, their parents will arrange their marriage. Personally, I can go find pretty much whoever I’d like to marry and if all else fails, my mother would love to arrange my marriage. I consider myself lucky in this respect because I never have to worry about ending up sad and alone with 28 cats (HAH!).

There you have it. Being Indian is AWESOME. Being asked these questions is NOT. Luckily, Indian people are quite forgiving and tolerate these idiotic questions. WHY? Because we believe in something called Karma and we’re just waiting for a cow to hit you in the forehead with a chicken wing and marry you.

Much love and smiles,

-Avi